catskickass (catskickass) wrote,
catskickass
catskickass

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Brain Dump

So much is going through my mind, I need to write it down.  What better place than my poor, oft-neglected online journal?


(Also, I cannot find my equally-neglected bound paper journal right now so this is my best alternative.)


I have errands to do and phone calls to make and e-mails to write.  Some of these errands and phone calls and e-mails are social, some are business related, and some are... actually it's just social and business.  But still.  I feel overwhelmed.  I'm hesitant to start on them because I'm afraid they'll take too much time.  I'm afraid of getting stuck on the phone talking for ever and I just don't have time for that.  Some of the e-mails are pretty straight forward but even then, they're kind of important so I could see myself taking the time to edit and re-edit them (which really is a good idea because usually I regret it when I dash off an e-mail too fast).  So that's one thing.


Another thing is money.  I can't stop thinking about it, wondering how I'm going to make a living wage from my art.  I've got a two-pronged approach, pet portraits and fantasy art, but that sometimes makes me more overwhelmed than reassured.  Other times I congratulate myself on being so clever.  Mostly, though, I wonder how in the world keep track of all the things that need purchasing: insurance of various kinds, car payments, copays, taxes on everything.  I mean, I know you get billed for these things, but how do you budget for them?!  I grew up in the typical "we don't talk about money" family, and since my parents were generous and, well, "special" I lived in this ignorant bubble for even longer than the average person.  They were very supportive of my art and didn't want me to "worry" about money, which was very lovingly motivated, but now I feel extra scared and panicked and ignorant now that I'm trying to figure it all out.  I'm slowly reading my way through a stack of personal finance books when I get the chance but I don't make a regular practice of it.  Maybe if I did it regularly I wouldn't panic so much.  Certainly I'd learn more, faster.


Let's see, what else... well, my birthday is coming up next month and I'm feeling old, naturally.  I suppose I feel young at the same time, really, since I'm staring this money stuff in the face for the first time.  But mostly I'm feeling dread at turning 27.  Did you know that's when a woman loses her fertility EXPONENTIALLY?!  At least that's what I read in some article at some point.  It sounds scary enough to be true.  EXPONENTIALLY.  So many of my friends have been getting married and having kids the past couple of years, I've felt left behind enough, but now that my biological clock is ticking louder than ever I'm feeling a growing nervousness.


And yet, I don't feel ready for kids.  I know, you might be saying "You can't ever be ready for kids" and that's fine, that's wisdom.  But I'm feeling like I want them and don't want them.  I want them because I feel like I was born for them; I love teaching kids and hugging them when they're sad and watching them play make believe.  I yearn for a cozy family life with a husband and kids.  And yet, I don't want to deal with messy, screaming people 24/7.  I don't want to be thrown up on in between changing poopy diapers.  I don't want to put my artwork to one side for god knows how many years as I put family first, which I know I would want to do.  And what if oil paint is toxic to kids, I mean like having it in the house even (obviously if they eat it it's toxic)?  Would I have to stop painting?  I suppose I could take up watercolor until they're older but that would mean learning a whole new medium and adapting my style.  I don't think acrylics are an option because the color and texture are so inferior, in my opinion, yet similar enough to oil that you can't help but compare them.


So that's a brain dump, all the stuff that's swirling around my brain.  I think I feel somewhat better for having written it.  Now I guess I'd better get to work on those e-mails and such....

Tags: art, worry
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